Conversation Across Your Networks, Part 5. A series focused on conversation within The Networks of Relationships Series.
Where I Started
I am curious about people. I have not met many people who are not interesting at some level. It is one of the reasons that I started The Eddy Network Podcast.
I didn’t start to be curious last week or last year. It is something that has always been with me. But we can be curious and never find ourselves in meaningful conversation with people.
I believe that good conversations are the result of skills development. I know there are a lot of books on conversations. I find most either too general or too focused on conversations in specific contexts, like in the workplace. They have their value, but more from a conceptual perspective than a skills perspective.
The Purpose of Conversations
My interest in conversation emerged as a college student when I was meeting people who were quite different from me. I was experiencing differences in cultures, trying to make sense of what I was seeing, and then wondering how to engage with these people in a meaningful way.
My purpose in creating conversations is different than my purpose for writing, even though both are focused on communicating with people. Conversation is engagement. Writing is for articulation.
Many of these people I found fascinating. Yet it was clear that we’d never be best friends or hang out together. Our differences made that apparent. But our shared interest in treating people with respect and dignity made it possible for us to develop a level of understanding that mattered to us. Out of this developed my capacity to move between and through various social networks, almost always feeling that I don’t fit in. My post on The Stranger in Network Theory captures this idea of being able to relate to a wide spectrum of people without ever becoming a part of them.
My purpose in conversation is engagement with the other person.
I want to understand who they are, how they got where they are, and what it is that connects us together meaningfully.
The Eddy Network Podcast is an example of this expression of who I am.
What is the purpose of your relationships? Can you describe why you interact with some people and not others? Having a purpose for your relationships expressed through your conversations with people deepens your own sense of why your life matters.
What We Bring To The Conversation
I’ve thought about how to meet and talk to people for a long time. It is my practice to enter a room and have meaningful contact with as many people as I can. The first step is establishing some connection points. It may be a place, an institution, or a mutual acquaintance. Something that allows me to take one more step in establishing rapport.
While those circumstantial connections are a good entry point, life experience is the more important. This is particularly true when some life experience can be connected to some value that you both might share. We tend to discover these connections through stories.
When we are clear about our values, we have an awareness about how those values operate in our lives. We listen for stories or statements that may have a connection to something that we’ve experienced.
We also bring our interest, concern, openness, awareness, and hospitality.
If you have had any sales training, you have learned to create an elevator pitch. It is a quick statement of purpose and opportunity. What if you reverse the focus? Instead, you walk on the elevator with a pitch that serves your interest, think about how to serve that other person’s interest. An opportunity for 30 seconds of interaction.
Every time you use it, you are discovering how people respond to an invitation to a connection.
An Example of Starting a Conversation
It probably doesn’t surprise anyone reading this that I talk with almost everyone I encounter. Here’s the secret. No canned pitches. Instead, look and observe who this person is. If you are in a hotel elevator, say something like, “Long day?” or “Come far today?” Then, you may realize that they live near your cousin. Then you say, “My cousin lives near there. We were there last year. Went to see the flower festival downtown.”
It seems innocuous. But much of life is. Those circumstantial questions pave the way for more substantial questions.
I was at a hotel in Green River, Wyoming last year. I was riding the elevator down to where supper was to be served. A guy got on the elevator at the next floor. We acknowledge each other. I said, “Going down for the dinner?” He said, “Yes.”
I followed with, “Let’s eat together.” He said sure.
What proceed was a conversation with between us and another guy who sat with us talking about the mining industry. Both men had work in underground mines. The first guy, for about six years. The second guy for over twenty. I just asked curious questions. What was fascinating is the first man did not like going into the mine. The second guy it didn’t bother him at all. I talked about talked about taking my scout troop caving, and how I get claustrophobic in airplances.
What is interesting is not that they both work in the mining industry. I find it very curious that here are three men talking over dinner. Two of them seem to have everything in common from their history in the mining industry. And, yet, here I am with the first guy sharing a tendency towards claustrophobia in tight spaces.
The conversation would mostly not have happened without my initiation. It is for this reason that I initiative conversation all the time. If you really want to see how this works, watch how I ask question to my guests on The Eddy Network Podcast.
How To Structure A Conversation
Many conversations you can just let flow. However, I find the real skill in conversation leadership is have a plan. Let me recommend my First Questions That Every One Must Ask as one way to progress a conversation through a process of discovery and resolution.
You can use these questions in almost any situation. Let’s take an example of two people who have been introduced by a third person who knows them both. Here is the initial conversation between Person One: P1 and Person Two: P2 who do not know each other. At this point, no one is in charge of the conversation. It just has to start some way.
Question One:
P1: “How long have you known Bill? How did you meet? Did you work together?
P2: “We met in college. We never worked together. Just stayed in touch.’
P1: “I met Bill two years ago as a part of a project at his company. I was the outside consultant on the project. He was the director of the project.”
P2: “Bill and I dated sisters in college. He married the one. Her sister and I didn’t move in that direction. She married another friends of ours. My wife was Bill’s wife’s roommate. So the three couples have been close all these years.
Question Two:
P1: “Why do you think Bill thought we should meet. He didn’t say anything to me. Just got the same email that you did. ‘You guys should know each other.’”
P2: “He told me about the project that you all did. He thinks the company that I work for needs to do the same thing.”
P1: “Did he say what he felt the impact of our project was?”
P2: “Yes. He said that you helped them change how everyone reports to everyone else.”
Question Three:
P1: “Did he describe the extent of the impact? Meaning, how far down the org chart did he saw that he saw change?”
P2: “He said, that even our vendors are now engaged in conversation with us.”
P1: “Wow! I had no idea.”
Question Four:
P2: “Bill recommended you because our department has an opportunity to do some development work. There has been a reshuffling of managers above me. My new one wants to see some change. I told him that we have not had any kind of special development project in three or four years. People are talking about how it feels that we are losing ground. So, I said, I’d find some help, if he puts up the money.”
P1: “Okay. I see. I’d love to work with you. What do you need from me?”
P2: “I’d like you to come meet with my manager and talk about what is possible.
P1: “Okay. I can do that. I have a per diem for exploratory meetings like this.”
P2: “Don’t worry about it. I’ll find the money to take care of this initial visit.”
Question Five:
P1: “I have a couple of questions, just to help understand what we are addressing. Is the company at a critical state where if something doesn’t change, it will begin to lose its standing in the industry?”
P2: “We’ve been there for about five years. The leadership that left last year stopped all new product development and process innovation. As a result, we resemble the company that we were twenty years ago.”
P1: “What obstacles do you see standing in the way of this project’s success?”
P2: “Company morale is flat. There is little hope that any change can be achieved. The former CEO just did not do a good job of advancing the value and ideology of the company. As far as anyone knows, we are just a manufacturer. Nothing more.”
P1: “Okay. I think I have a good idea of what we are facing. I look forward to working with you and your team.”
When you have questions in your mind that you are prepared to ask anyone, like the Five Questions, you will begin to see their answers in the statements that other people make. By evaluating what people say through the use of the Five Questions, you will find people will become more comfortable with you.
Practicing Conversation
I have structured my life to facilitation having conversations. My practice of reading beyond my areas of expertise is not to be able to show off what I know. That pattern of behavior kills conversation. I read and discover in order to have better quality conversations with people.
I encourage you to watch my podcast regularly. Episodes appear on Mondays and Thursday on YouTube and here on my Substack. In particular, observe how I am listening for something that the guest says that triggers a question. You will often hear them say, “That’s a big question” or “That’s a hard question.” Often, I will have to reframe the question. And it is important to note that they always have an answer.
Think about the conversations that you have. Ask a friend or a colleague at work to go out for coffee and try the Five Questions with each other. Use them regularly, and you’ll that your capacity for making interesting conversation will increase.
If you need help, just ask. I’d be glad to have a conversation with everyone of you.
Helpful, Ed. Instructive, practical and not boring! Thank you for sharing.
Was just chatting with a new acquaintance recently (he's mid-seventies) who remembers a time when people felt a responsibility to 'hold up their end' of a conversation in social situations. That knowing how to engage, listen and speak to a variety of topics was simply expected. He was lamenting the loss of that. I asked him when he noticed it change, and he said he thought it became observable in the 80's but he assumed the arrival of TV, 2-3 decades earlier was the catalyst. If that's right (and makes sense) then with the multiplication of screens, conversational skills would likely be even worse more recently.
Curious on what do you think - as someone who intentionally engages this way often? Have you noticed the same?
Personally I find the societal 'do's and don't's have pretty much dissolved, but I don't see that translating at one-on-one level conversations. When I do initiate a talk with someone (admittedly rare) I just met, I find it comes down to personality and not age.